Please tell me it gets better how can my decision hurt so bad?
Why am I the one crying myself to sleep?
The nights are so dark, I can't help but to think of how amazing he was. sometimes I wish I had someone else to take my mind off of him, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love him nobody else 😔
6th is when you admit you may have fucked up a little.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
First, you think the worst is a broken heart
Yesterday he asked if i was breaking up with him today, i said yes it was best for the both of us.
Today he changed his relationship status and picture on facebook and it hits me harder than realizing what i had done yesterday.
It's actually happening it really is over and despite it being my decision, it hurts so bad. I try to tell myself that its for the best and i try to think of all the shitty stuff in our relationship but he was just so good it brings me back to tears.
I'm sorry Matthew Thomas Heinen i really did/ do love you.
I want you to know that it doesn't matterWhere we take this road someone's gotta goAnd I want you to know you couldn't have loved me betterBut I want you to move on so I'm already gone
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Whats your story?
I cant believe i haven't blogged since May?
I started going out with Matt aka porn star June 9th. I didn't think it would last but here i am still with him almost 5 months later. Life works in funny ways. He's actually an amazing boyfriend or shall i say girlfriend, because he's basically the girl in this relationship and maybe thats what i needed.
Now onto my story...
Pretty sure the reason i started this blog was so once i was almost able to tell my story, id be able to share it and maybe, just maybe somebody would be able to relate to me.
You should probably know I'm an immigrant, i arrived here when i was 12.
NOBODY comes to the U.S and magically becomes legal, but there are ways to do so later on.
So i came here as a tourist and we decided to stay. I have been legal since i got here but being legal isn't enough, you see the thing with immigration policies is they seem simple but they are far more complex than the naked eye can see. Long story short this psycho path tried to kill my mom and it turned out there was a Visa that covered victims of abuse for collaborating with justice and being brave enough to speak up. It's called a U visa, so if you're an immigrant and a victim of abuse don't let people threaten you or be afraid of speaking up, if things are legit they will work out to your advantage.
In 2006 my mom sent the paperwork to immigration...2009 came along and immigration "hadn't received" our paperwork. Hard lesson learned always send important stuff through certified mail.
A U visa requires you to be under it for 3 years before you can apply for a Greencard. After 3 years based on your behavior they decide whether your worthy enough or not (nobody wants to grant such privilege to a parasite) So since they lost our paperwork we had to start over again which meant 3 more years of waiting. During this 3 years you're provided a work permit and a social security card number which allows you to work, get a drivers license etc.
It wasn't until a month before i graduated in 2010 that i found out that i would not be able to attend college because the missing piece of my puzzle, in order to qualify for in state tuition you need a Green card, which i could get for 2 more years.
About 8 college acceptance letters my dreams were crushed, put on hold for 2 years after i graduated.
Words cannot describe how painful it is to work your ass off in high school for 4 years and not be able to collect its perks. I was not going to be able to go to college just yet, while all my friends went on and set out to reach their dreams. I was bitter, i was mad upset because i had accomplished so much for "nothing" as i used to say. I was so bothered by the lack of motivation the other kids displayed when they had so many possibilities! You can go to college, you can travel why aren't you doing something with your life other than getting pregnant, going to parties or doing drugs. I thought all of that was ridiculous! I really hated it/ hate it when people ask me if i go to school, when you say "no" you get the craziest look from people like what are you doing with your life if you aren't going to school? I was working my ass off to buy my car. Since i wanted to join the military, i told people i wasn't going to school because i was enlisting as soon as i felt ready to take the ASVAB again. That was a white lie because i am enlisting but the reason i haven't enlisted isn't because I'm waiting to feel ready, though i was not satisfied with my first ASVAB score but that is expired by now since i took it my junior year.
Anyway that story gets kinda old after almost 3 years, i know a lot of people don't take that answer seriously but sooner or later ill be able to show them.
I actually thought sooner would be this past monday when my mom went to pick up "our" green cards from the lawyers office, i was so excited the time was finally here! I imagined countless scenarios with an air force recruiter. I was going to walk in an let them know i was finally ready to cross into the blue, like the invitation i was sent after i took my ASVAB my junior year,which i still keep in my memory folder.
So that monday morning my mom had everyones green card except for mine...why me? me who's been waiting for 2 years to make something happen, me who had all the desire in the world to go see a recruiter that afternoon, me who finally wants to make a something happen!
Turns out they couldn't process my paperwork because they were missing the last 2 copies of my passport pages and that they wouldn't do anything until those were received. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? out of everyones paperwork why is mine missing pages when everything was sent through certified mail?
That same day my mom copied my whole passport in color and sent it in. Wednesday i got a text alert from immigration saying they had received my paperwork and that it could take up to 60 days for a review. Here we go again the waiting game, my mom thinks it shouldn't take that long but last time when i got that alert it did take almost 2 months... sigh.
Don't get me wrong i am so grateful for having this opportunity even if its taking forever.
I know there are kids out there who are waiting for nothing, because they don't have a something to wait for or a work permit to allow them to kill time, while they wait for that nothing that has no estimate as to when it will come; there are others who have everything, yet they don't take advantage of any it.
So I'm just here waiting for my something.
I started going out with Matt aka porn star June 9th. I didn't think it would last but here i am still with him almost 5 months later. Life works in funny ways. He's actually an amazing boyfriend or shall i say girlfriend, because he's basically the girl in this relationship and maybe thats what i needed.
Now onto my story...
Pretty sure the reason i started this blog was so once i was almost able to tell my story, id be able to share it and maybe, just maybe somebody would be able to relate to me.
You should probably know I'm an immigrant, i arrived here when i was 12.
NOBODY comes to the U.S and magically becomes legal, but there are ways to do so later on.
So i came here as a tourist and we decided to stay. I have been legal since i got here but being legal isn't enough, you see the thing with immigration policies is they seem simple but they are far more complex than the naked eye can see. Long story short this psycho path tried to kill my mom and it turned out there was a Visa that covered victims of abuse for collaborating with justice and being brave enough to speak up. It's called a U visa, so if you're an immigrant and a victim of abuse don't let people threaten you or be afraid of speaking up, if things are legit they will work out to your advantage.
In 2006 my mom sent the paperwork to immigration...2009 came along and immigration "hadn't received" our paperwork. Hard lesson learned always send important stuff through certified mail.
A U visa requires you to be under it for 3 years before you can apply for a Greencard. After 3 years based on your behavior they decide whether your worthy enough or not (nobody wants to grant such privilege to a parasite) So since they lost our paperwork we had to start over again which meant 3 more years of waiting. During this 3 years you're provided a work permit and a social security card number which allows you to work, get a drivers license etc.
It wasn't until a month before i graduated in 2010 that i found out that i would not be able to attend college because the missing piece of my puzzle, in order to qualify for in state tuition you need a Green card, which i could get for 2 more years.
About 8 college acceptance letters my dreams were crushed, put on hold for 2 years after i graduated.
Words cannot describe how painful it is to work your ass off in high school for 4 years and not be able to collect its perks. I was not going to be able to go to college just yet, while all my friends went on and set out to reach their dreams. I was bitter, i was mad upset because i had accomplished so much for "nothing" as i used to say. I was so bothered by the lack of motivation the other kids displayed when they had so many possibilities! You can go to college, you can travel why aren't you doing something with your life other than getting pregnant, going to parties or doing drugs. I thought all of that was ridiculous! I really hated it/ hate it when people ask me if i go to school, when you say "no" you get the craziest look from people like what are you doing with your life if you aren't going to school? I was working my ass off to buy my car. Since i wanted to join the military, i told people i wasn't going to school because i was enlisting as soon as i felt ready to take the ASVAB again. That was a white lie because i am enlisting but the reason i haven't enlisted isn't because I'm waiting to feel ready, though i was not satisfied with my first ASVAB score but that is expired by now since i took it my junior year.
Anyway that story gets kinda old after almost 3 years, i know a lot of people don't take that answer seriously but sooner or later ill be able to show them.
I actually thought sooner would be this past monday when my mom went to pick up "our" green cards from the lawyers office, i was so excited the time was finally here! I imagined countless scenarios with an air force recruiter. I was going to walk in an let them know i was finally ready to cross into the blue, like the invitation i was sent after i took my ASVAB my junior year,which i still keep in my memory folder.
So that monday morning my mom had everyones green card except for mine...why me? me who's been waiting for 2 years to make something happen, me who had all the desire in the world to go see a recruiter that afternoon, me who finally wants to make a something happen!
Turns out they couldn't process my paperwork because they were missing the last 2 copies of my passport pages and that they wouldn't do anything until those were received. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? out of everyones paperwork why is mine missing pages when everything was sent through certified mail?
That same day my mom copied my whole passport in color and sent it in. Wednesday i got a text alert from immigration saying they had received my paperwork and that it could take up to 60 days for a review. Here we go again the waiting game, my mom thinks it shouldn't take that long but last time when i got that alert it did take almost 2 months... sigh.
Don't get me wrong i am so grateful for having this opportunity even if its taking forever.
I know there are kids out there who are waiting for nothing, because they don't have a something to wait for or a work permit to allow them to kill time, while they wait for that nothing that has no estimate as to when it will come; there are others who have everything, yet they don't take advantage of any it.
So I'm just here waiting for my something.
Monday, April 16, 2012
I'm a magnet for
liars obviously.
I don't know why people lie about stupid shit, well actually not even stupid shit but stupid non existent reasons.
So my buddy Matt aka the porn star in the making, as blogged about below
http://julistar15.blogspot.com/2012/01/reasons-why-i-love-my-blog.html
Contacted me again a little while ago after HE dropped the news on me and didn't text me again.
He told me a story about how he tried to kill himself that night he told me he did porn, because his parents saw the porn site where he was and confronted him about it and thats why he didn't text me again blah blah blah...
He said he was hospitalized for like a month or 2. I felt so bad because he had tickets to this concert he was really excited to go to and he didn't get to go to because he was "hospitalized"i also felt bad for deleting his number and not checking up on him (what kind of friend was i?)
Then a couple of days ago he adds me on Facebook and guess fucking what?
He went to that concert! So what does that tell me? Who the fuck makes up stories like that? Bull fucking shit, i felt bad for nothing! Once again maturity doesn't come with age and i might never understand why people lie about the most bizarre shit to get pity out of people.
Oh and he said he's joining the military too O_0
Hows that for a catch up.
I don't know why people lie about stupid shit, well actually not even stupid shit but stupid non existent reasons.
So my buddy Matt aka the porn star in the making, as blogged about below
http://julistar15.blogspot.com/2012/01/reasons-why-i-love-my-blog.html
Contacted me again a little while ago after HE dropped the news on me and didn't text me again.
He told me a story about how he tried to kill himself that night he told me he did porn, because his parents saw the porn site where he was and confronted him about it and thats why he didn't text me again blah blah blah...
He said he was hospitalized for like a month or 2. I felt so bad because he had tickets to this concert he was really excited to go to and he didn't get to go to because he was "hospitalized"i also felt bad for deleting his number and not checking up on him (what kind of friend was i?)
Then a couple of days ago he adds me on Facebook and guess fucking what?
He went to that concert! So what does that tell me? Who the fuck makes up stories like that? Bull fucking shit, i felt bad for nothing! Once again maturity doesn't come with age and i might never understand why people lie about the most bizarre shit to get pity out of people.
Oh and he said he's joining the military too O_0
Hows that for a catch up.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Fuck you fuck you and fuck you a third time.
Nothing makes an afternoon better than a nice piece of duchebaggery, really it warms my heart.
Shit was so uncalled and that is all i have to say. How do you expect me to be your friend if your taking out all your ex gf, girl hating rage on me? As if my self esteem wasn't low enough i just needed that one blow. Needless to say i haven't talked to him since, i expect an apology! I tried to tell myself that i was over reacting way too many times. I consulted my dear douchebag kings coworkers and they came to the conclusion that this was uncalled for and asshole worthy, so FUCK YOU!
Then he said "Gotta appreciate a girl who's got a little sass with that ass ;) FIESTY!" blah blah blah he said he was kidding, i took shit seriously. Yesterday i saw my 2nd boyfriend ever, from like 8th grade he didn't see me haha i guess he hit puberty.Today i saw my ex boyfriend from back in the skatepark days. He dumped me after 5 days of "relationshit" The epic moment 15/14 year old me would have loved more than anything in the world! what any dumped ex girlfriend wants... The moment when the ex boyfriend openly admits he's an idiot because he let you go. HA!That was almost 5-6 years ago and i still remember exactly how it happened and what his "excuse" was shits crazy how things turn. Never in a million years would i have thought that id be in his room again. He wouldn't stop staring and me and calling me gorgeous. Things have changed, good riddance. Cigz and weed really fuck you up, he looks so much older and i don't even know how to explain it. Lets see he tried to kiss me when i was leaving... The whole hug and stare into each others eyes bullshit. I said no no no you have a girlfriend (lucky for me i had an excuse to deny the kiss other than saying dude you look like crap stop smoking) then he denied it, so i pulled his profile up on my phone and he then said that she put that there blah blah blah. Kiss on the cheek and i was on my way :D
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
This night is sparkling...
I wish haha.
When I procrastinate i forget all the shit i was supposed to write about boo!
I'll see if i can make a list ahem:
*Being on your period + manager staying i have no personal life + sore legs + sales lead saying i can't go home at 4:45 when i'm scheduled until 5, yet my availability is clearly until 4:30 + a comment i can't remember = Me saying look at my eyes, I'm exhausted and tired of this shit. Im going to quit i don't know when or how but i can't take this much longer.
*The Hot Chelle Rae concert was amazing! I wish i had learned more of their songs before i went though.
*I bought 3 tickets for warped tour this summer 1 for me another for myself and one for I.
*I LOVE going to concerts, its the rush i get from screaming my lungs out.
*If i didn't screen shoot this profile i came across, what kind of person would i be considered? Ratchet! who puts shit like this up on Facebook 0__o I thought it was funny.
*Because i actually pulled out all the food i carry in my purse and it might have shocked some people.
Oh hey my 2 ex boyfriends are making my coworker into a sandwich hahahahahaha.
When I procrastinate i forget all the shit i was supposed to write about boo!
I'll see if i can make a list ahem:
*Being on your period + manager staying i have no personal life + sore legs + sales lead saying i can't go home at 4:45 when i'm scheduled until 5, yet my availability is clearly until 4:30 + a comment i can't remember = Me saying look at my eyes, I'm exhausted and tired of this shit. Im going to quit i don't know when or how but i can't take this much longer.
*The Hot Chelle Rae concert was amazing! I wish i had learned more of their songs before i went though.
*I bought 3 tickets for warped tour this summer 1 for me another for myself and one for I.
*I LOVE going to concerts, its the rush i get from screaming my lungs out.
*If i didn't screen shoot this profile i came across, what kind of person would i be considered? Ratchet! who puts shit like this up on Facebook 0__o I thought it was funny.
*I "gave up" frozen yogurt. It made me gain 15 pounds and by "made me" i mean ( it was so delicious i couldn't stop eating it.) Im hoping when i quit, the temptations will be over; ill have time to invest into being fit and ill get back to 110 crossing my fingers.
*In case that doesn't work i ran 3.5 miles on sunday, tuesday. Today since I'm so sore i can barely walk, i skated the 3.5. Why is getting fit so hard (whinneeeeeeeyyy biatch)
*When and if I'm satisfied with my body aka workout at least 4 days a week and be consistent. I shall reward myself with a shopping spree, I'm debating on whether i should invest in "classier" clothing since i dress more like a surfer/skater... Long hair don't care... Speaking of long hair i got my ends trimmed :p
*Because i actually pulled out all the food i carry in my purse and it might have shocked some people.
Oh hey my 2 ex boyfriends are making my coworker into a sandwich hahahahahaha.
*My coworker updated MY, MINE, MIO Facebook status asking guys for a date talking about i would pay. I borrowed his phone and googled hairy dick then posted it on his Facebook sounds mature enough. So there's a Troll war... He then posted this lovely picture of me doing what i do best...
*Another coworker texted me "I like you" after i said i hate him jokingly obviously. It took me all day to reply because i was flipping out and i still didn't have a reply to that so i did what men do best... avoid the questions they don't wanna answer and change the subject.
*Oh yeah and Happy Birthday Mr.Deployed ;)
This night is sparkling...
I wish haha.
When I procrastinate i forget all the shit i was supposed to write about boo!
I'll see if i can make a list ahem:
*Being on your period + manager staying i have no personal life + sore legs + sales lead saying i can't go home at 4:45 when i'm scheduled until 5, yet my availability is clearly until 4:30 + a comment i can't remember = Me saying look at my eyes, I'm exhausted and tired of this shit. Im going to quit i don't know when or how but i can't take this much longer.
*The Hot Chelle Rae concert was amazing! I wish i had learned more of their songs before i went though.
*I bought 3 tickets for warped tour this summer 1 for me another for myself and one for I.
*I LOVE going to concerts, its the rush i get from screaming my lungs out.
*If i didn't screen shoot this profile i came across, what kind of person would i be considered? Ratchet! who puts shit like this up on Facebook 0__o I thought it was funny.
*Because i actually pulled out all the food i carry in my purse and it might have shocked some people.
Oh hey my 2 ex boyfriends are making my coworker into a sandwich hahahahahaha.
When I procrastinate i forget all the shit i was supposed to write about boo!
I'll see if i can make a list ahem:
*Being on your period + manager staying i have no personal life + sore legs + sales lead saying i can't go home at 4:45 when i'm scheduled until 5, yet my availability is clearly until 4:30 + a comment i can't remember = Me saying look at my eyes, I'm exhausted and tired of this shit. Im going to quit i don't know when or how but i can't take this much longer.
*The Hot Chelle Rae concert was amazing! I wish i had learned more of their songs before i went though.
*I bought 3 tickets for warped tour this summer 1 for me another for myself and one for I.
*I LOVE going to concerts, its the rush i get from screaming my lungs out.
*If i didn't screen shoot this profile i came across, what kind of person would i be considered? Ratchet! who puts shit like this up on Facebook 0__o I thought it was funny.
*I "gave up" frozen yogurt. It made me gain 15 pounds and by "made me" i mean ( it was so delicious i couldn't stop eating it.) Im hoping when i quit, the temptations will be over; ill have time to invest into being fit and ill get back to 110 crossing my fingers.
*In case that doesn't work i ran 3.5 miles on sunday, tuesday. Today since I'm so sore i can barely walk, i skated the 3.5. Why is getting fit so hard (whinneeeeeeeyyy biatch)
*When and if I'm satisfied with my body aka workout at least 4 days a week and be consistent. I shall reward myself with a shopping spree, I'm debating on whether i should invest in "classier" clothing since i dress more like a surfer/skater... Long hair don't care... Speaking of long hair i got my ends trimmed :p
*Because i actually pulled out all the food i carry in my purse and it might have shocked some people.
Oh hey my 2 ex boyfriends are making my coworker into a sandwich hahahahahaha.
*My coworker updated MY, MINE, MIO Facebook status asking guys for a date talking about i would pay. I borrowed his phone and googled hairy dick then posted it on his Facebook sounds mature enough. So there's a Troll war... He then posted this lovely picture of me doing what i do best...
*Another coworker texted me "I like you" after i said i hate him jokingly obviously. It took me all day to reply because i was flipping out and i still didn't have a reply to that so i did what men do best... avoid the questions they don't wanna answer and change the subject.
*Oh yeah and Happy Birthday Mr.Deployed ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)