So there was this guy whom I met at work and felt very attracted to, he was different from the guys I’ve dated in the past and different from what I’ve been attracted to previously. Tall, very tall and muscular. I didn’t know how old he was but he had to be over 18 because that’s our hiring age, I later on learned that he was a college graduate and that meant he was at least 21, but I was afraid to ask his age; You see I have this thing about liking older people, it freaks me out to know someone is older than me.
Well we had dinner on May 31st at his apt, he cooked… then we kissed for a looong time. After that I got sick, and after a store meeting we went to his apt and he made me a smoothie and seeing how miserable I was he gave me some orange juice and vitamins hoping I would feel better…
Sigh* Breathe, just breathe.
On July 9th at around 9 in the morning he tells me he’s moving back to Europe, my heart shattered into pieces but I still kept a straight face and asked him why? he said he would tell me later because he had to go. I ran to the bathroom and cried, the whole day my eyes would water at the thought of the situation. Before my shift ended I decided I would text him and ask him to meet up so we could “catch up” (aka wtf I want a fucking explanation but I’m going to play it cool”
At around 10 he texted me back and I was on my way to his apt. My heart and my mind were racing as I drove through the streets; I was determined to tell him how I felt about him, in case my actions weren’t clear enough. I arrive and awkwardly stand by the kitchen counter watching him cook, all I kept thinking was how in the world am I going to tell him that I liked him? I liked him since the very first time I saw him smile. He sat on one couch and I sat on the other one, I wasn’t sure if I should sit next to him so I played it safe, for some reason I cant remember we both went back to the kitchen and this time I sat down first, he sat next to me. So I asked him why he was leaving and he told me… I remembered his body language from the first time we hung out and he was flirting trying to get closer to me, he kissed me. Curse your manly ways weakening my determination, I gave in and kissed him back; at one point I pulled away and asked him why why why and I also said it wasn’t fair, he said …. And something about me going into the military anyway, I didn’t argue, just enjoyed the moment. Then he picked me up and took me to his room, I didn’t think anything of it because he did the same thing the first night and nothing happened… Lets just say it all went downhill from there. He “taught” me how to give a guy a hand job, I kept pulling my hand away! I kept telling him I didn’t know how to do anything, heck it might sound silly but I didn’t wanna look at “IT” he then asked for oral I said HELL NO, what do I look like a porn star? He said no… it’s a package kind of deal you cant just please a guy with your hand… so I asked so how do guys do it to themselves? He said they have years of practice, I couldn’t agree more. Then this turned into Sex, yes I was actually losing my virginity right there, to a guy I wasn’t in love with and in a way nothing like I had imagined it or planned it in my fairytale filled head… It hurt really bad, it burned and it felt like I was being stabbed in the stomach. I couldn’t wait until it was over but at the same time I wanted it to take its course that way I never had to experience that pain ever again! It ended, he asked me if I wanted to eat dinner but I was nauseous I felt like I was going to puke! He had to be up at 6 and it was almost 3. So I left and my heart started racing again, I couldn’t believe what I had done and I knew there was no turning back.. In the back of my mind there is the possibility of regret but I’m trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, I just don’t know what It is at the moment. I’m trying to brush it of and pretend I’m not attached or that I don’t feel like a piece of shit but the thoughts come and go; When I shower I close my eyes and wish I could wash this feeling away, but this is reality. I haven’t told any of my bestfriends because I feel ashamed, how do I go from being so strong willed to weak? Why did I let my hormones control the situation when I know that the hormones are momentary and the thoughts, my heart will always be there… These thoughts aren’t going to go away, its going to take some time for me to heal but it’s a working progress. I’m in too deep and there’s no swimming up, not after I hit rock bottom at least. The worst part is I’m curious about what a second time would feel like, dammit I’m gross! Fuck it no matter what I will tell him how I feel and just make the best of the one week he has left here! After its all over I can work on how to get over these repulsive feelings. Oh yeah and I haven’t seen him since we had sex, I don’t know how ill react when I see him. I’m afraid to face him. Tomorrow is the day though, I’m pretty sure ill see him tomorrow…
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