Not so tough

No matter how strong I act, key word ACT; Im falling to pieces. If he only knew that when I fall asleep at night, hes the last person on my mind as I drift into deep sleep. My imagination has never been so vivid, a couple of days ago I saw him like he was passing right by me as he does at work. It scared me because i've never felt that way towards anyone before and maybe im over reacting but right now, right in this situation I feel like its okay to feel. He leaves friday, I still dont know how im going to manage to say goodbye. I wish time would just stop and stay still. </3 fmll (fuck my love life)

Goodbye innocence...

So there was this guy whom I met at work and felt very attracted to, he was different from the guys I’ve dated in the past and different from what I’ve been attracted to previously. Tall, very tall and muscular. I didn’t know how old he was but he had to be over 18 because that’s our hiring age, I later on learned that he was a college graduate and that meant he was at least 21, but I was afraid to ask his age; You see I have this thing about liking older people, it freaks me out to know someone is older than me.

Well we had dinner on May 31st at his apt, he cooked… then we kissed for a looong time. After that I got sick, and after a store meeting we went to his apt and he made me a smoothie and seeing how miserable I was he gave me some orange juice and vitamins hoping I would feel better…

Sigh* Breathe, just breathe.

On July 9^th at around 9 in the morning he tells me he’s moving back to Europe, my heart shattered into pieces but I still kept a straight face and asked him why? he said he would tell me later because he had to go. I ran to the bathroom and cried, the whole day my eyes would water at the thought of the situation. Before my shift ended I decided I would text him and ask him to meet up so we could “catch up” (aka wtf I want a fucking explanation but I’m going to play it cool”

At around 10 he texted me back and I was on my way to his apt. My heart and my mind were racing as I drove through the streets; I was determined to tell him how I felt about him, in case my actions weren’t clear enough. I arrive and awkwardly stand by the kitchen counter watching him cook, all I kept thinking was how in the world am I going to tell him that I liked him? I liked him since the very first time I saw him smile. He sat on one couch and I sat on the other one, I wasn’t sure if I should sit next to him so I played it safe, for some reason I cant remember we both went back to the kitchen and this time I sat down first, he sat next to me. So I asked him why he was leaving and he told me… I remembered his body language from the first time we hung out and he was flirting trying to get closer to me, he kissed me. Curse your manly ways weakening my determination, I gave in and kissed him back; at one point I pulled away and asked him why why why and I also said it wasn’t fair, he said …. And something about me going into the military anyway, I didn’t argue, just enjoyed the moment. Then he picked me up and took me to his room, I didn’t think anything of it because he did the same thing the first night and nothing happened… Lets just say it all went downhill from there. He “taught” me how to give a guy a hand job, I kept pulling my hand away! I kept telling him I didn’t know how to do anything, heck it might sound silly but I didn’t wanna look at “IT” he then asked for oral I said HELL NO, what do I look like a porn star? He said no… it’s a package kind of deal you cant just please a guy with your hand… so I asked so how do guys do it to themselves? He said they have years of practice, I couldn’t agree more. Then this turned into Sex, yes I was actually losing my virginity right there, to a guy I wasn’t in love with and in a way nothing like I had imagined it or planned it in my fairytale filled head… It hurt really bad, it burned and it felt like I was being stabbed in the stomach. I couldn’t wait until it was over but at the same time I wanted it to take its course that way I never had to experience that pain ever again! It ended, he asked me if I wanted to eat dinner but I was nauseous I felt like I was going to puke! He had to be up at 6 and it was almost 3. So I left and my heart started racing again, I couldn’t believe what I had done and I knew there was no turning back.. In the back of my mind there is the possibility of regret but I’m trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, I just don’t know what It is at the moment. I’m trying to brush it of and pretend I’m not attached or that I don’t feel like a piece of shit but the thoughts come and go; When I shower I close my eyes and wish I could wash this feeling away, but this is reality. I haven’t told any of my bestfriends because I feel ashamed, how do I go from being so strong willed to weak? Why did I let my hormones control the situation when I know that the hormones are momentary and the thoughts, my heart will always be there… These thoughts aren’t going to go away, its going to take some time for me to heal but it’s a working progress. I’m in too deep and there’s no swimming up, not after I hit rock bottom at least. The worst part is I’m curious about what a second time would feel like, dammit I’m gross! Fuck it no matter what I will tell him how I feel and just make the best of the one week he has left here! After its all over I can work on how to get over these repulsive feelings. Oh yeah and I haven’t seen him since we had sex, I don’t know how ill react when I see him. I’m afraid to face him. Tomorrow is the day though, I’m pretty sure ill see him tomorrow…

...

I had all the desire in the world to blog about my loss but then i lost the desire to write. dammit i haven’t really eaten all day and i don’t feel hungry wtf is wrong with me, oh you’ll see.

FUCK!

Almost no inspiration.

That is the count down to a count down, which holds the key to what could be the longest blog ill ever write but then again who know besides it’s 281 days away sigh*
Allowing the mind to be free and unoccupied is the worst thing for me, i should use my free time to study for the asvab or something; but yet there i was haphazardly thinking and blaming myself for things that are not within my jurisdiction to change. Lets move onto a blog now shall we...

I calculated my debt and how much i owe my family for my car and its a big whooping $9681.12 at this rate it will take me forever to pay them back! grr If this is what being in debt with my family, who isn’t asking me to pay them back yet or demanding payments feels like, i don’t want to know what real debt feels like! As a matter of fact as soon as i pay them back ill start saving up for a house, i know i’m only 18 (19 in 11 days -_-) but i rather be prepared for the future whenever that decides to happen.

I need to talk about my easter because it was something different no doubt, i spent it with my “Ghetto” friends. At first i was skeptical to go over my ex coworkers house i didn’t wanna feel awkward, but then i said screw it i rather not stay home doing absolutely nothing. So i went and i was the only white person, go figure but i get along with black people really well so that wasn’t a problem. Thank goodness for my cooking class and my all black table who taught me how to get along with my hood friends. I had some delicious jamaican food and saw soooooo many ghetto dances its not even funny, i was in awe, my mouth literally was wide open at the sight. I was a little bit jealous because i wished i could move like that, yeah it was pretty hilarious; Until they decided they were going to teach me, right there in front of everybody and they pulled me into the “dance floor” (I forgot how to dance, I’ve forgotten for a long time and it takes me a copious amount of time to be comfortable enough to let my childhood skills kick in) They were holding my waist and trying to move me, so i thought to myself what the hell! i wont feel accomplished unless i dance and so i did and they went crazy! just look at my coworkers face (the one in red, Heyyyyy i didn’t know white girl had it in her! Then there was the stripper pole, That was my first time on one of those ever! i was cracking up, boy do strippers make that stuff look easy! i was struggling to stay up as you can see from the looks of my face.
Then there was the video and my attempt at recreating something i saw at the strip club. Let me just say the next day my arms were extremely sore, as if i had done 100 pushups or something; What a good workout, no wonder strippers have such amazing bodies, no future in the industry for me LOL and im okay with that i wanna be a G.I Jane type of girl anyway, strong and independent. YEAH! 



I am so glad i didn’t stay home that night i had an awesome time with my friends, for some reason it made me think about the military and how whenever i decide to join i will be leaving everything behind for a little while; scary thought but i want it more than anything i’ve ever wanted other than wanting to be an actress but this is more realistic.
I wrote a lot more after this but i accidentally pasted something on top of it and it got deleted, so ill take that as a sign. I’ll rewrite it and post it tomorrow or eventually.


Xoxo Julieth

Today, tomorrow and the day after.

Those are my days off, I just started working at Best Buy so the working hours are crazy and almost non existent. I forgot how boring being at home doing nothing can be, it definitely gives me time to think about all the stupid stuff i’m unhappy with and how i should be doing something more meaningful; yet its up to me to use my time productively and i don’t. Agh what am i going to do with myself!? I complained before because i was too overwhelmed with work and now i’m complaining because i’m not working enough, seriously will i ever reach a happy medium? I know its all psychological though, knowing i owe my family almost $10,000 its so frustrating! even though nobody is bugging me about paying them back, i feel like i need to do it now now now, its part of my impatient over achieving nature. I’m so blah i don’t even know what to write about. Some of these feelings are triggered by my uncertainty as to whether i made the right choice by quitting the grocery store job, my mom came home today and told me that everyone at the store say hi and blah blah blah. I just wanna start crying. Why do i feel like i HAVE to help people, like if i let someone down or leave them at a time i feel they might need me, i’m the most horrible person ever. I feel like i NEED to stay at the grocery store because the store director was so nice about everything and asked me to consider staying, i haven’t called or anything so that might have something to do with all the guilt and sadness i’m feeling at this point. I really need to be more selfish, the reality of the matter is not everyone thinks or feels the same way i do. Fuck being a girl and having my period thats another thing that could be messing with my head right now, i’m going to let the tears flow and hope i don’t regret any of the decisions i’ve made.
On a better note yesterday i went to this event at the Eden Roc resort in Miami beach, sponsored by the new Blackberry playbook coming to a store near you tomorrow! It’s a very cool device actually i got to play with it and experience some of its features, unfortunately it costs about as much as a laptop and for someone who makes the amount of money i make, it wouldn’t be a smart investment.
As i was driving home it was dark and i quickly glanced at the scenery from the bridge i was driving through, miami looks beautiful at night; All the buildings lit up over looking the waterfront made me feel like i was passing through a movie scene, in which there was no characters. Oh how i wished i had a significant other to share the lovely view with and relax by the waterfront sigh* one day, one day hopefully that will be the case.
 I cant believe its almost my birthday again, i’m going to be 19 in 27 days! Seems like just yesterday i was anxiously waiting to turn 18 get my license and all the freedom that comes with it. That is all just a small blog letting out my latest frustrations and expectations.

Xoxo Julieth

Too many things.

A lot of things have been happening lately, I’ve been too overwhelmed to write but heres my shot.
Lets address the topic of my resignation. a week ago on thursday best buy called me and let me know i had passed my drug and background check (No surprise there obviously) i just didn’t think everything would happen so quickly. I freaked out and immediately drove to the grocery store where i work at and asked the front end manager if we could talk, she asked me if i could come in and help out with the go back carts, then said we would talk when i came back.
I made it back within 30 minutes and she said lets go talk, aghh i was like damn i didn’t even have time to prepare myself psychologically for what i was about to do. Not going to lie the reason why i didn’t notify her sooner was because i didn’t wanna not work, i know bills are going to be crazy now that i have a car and i wasn’t going to risk going crazy at the end of the month or whenever these bills are due.
So i told her i got a new job and she said well don’t you already have a job? and i was like yes this is my 3rd one and she said well how are you going to fit that into this schedule? you wont be able to do that, i trained you for CSO and blah blah. I told her i would let her know on saturday; sunday she called me and asked me if i was coming into work on monday and i said yes i would finish the days i was scheduled for this week.
Monday after staying 30 mins past my shift because there wasn’t another cashier. I called her (front end manager) and asked her if i needed to write a resignation letter and she said no, i was going to be terminated and be put as “abandoned the job” because i didn’t give a week notice and i said well if i work until thursday its technically a week, she said it didn’t matter and i told her I cant have this stuff on my record, i’m trying to join the military! and she said talk to the store Co director (the guy who told me they didn’t need me and that in order to quit all i had to do was write i quit on the piece of paper) great at this point with a broken voice and tears in my eyes i said ok! and walked really quick out the store and to my car, another manager came and knocked on my window and said everything would be okay, that they could terminate me on good or bad terms. I went home and the first thing i did was chat with a recruiter on the air force website and ask him if a termination would affect my chances of joining and to my relief he said no.
I was outraged at what had happened to me after all the sacrifice and devotion to this job (my first job) so i decided i wasn’t going to come in on wednesday as scheduled because they screwed me over and i was going to do the same thing to them.
That night a coworker called me after seeing my status on facebook "I’ve never felt so hurt or betrayed in my life! Nice people get taken advantage of and fucked over. In the end your just a number and numbers are easily replaced. I cant believe i devoted so much to a treacherous company and an egomaniacal manager, but it’s alright because what goes around comes back around.” She asked me what was wrong and i told her, keep in mind the majority of the workers at the store are african americans (There is probably 10 white people who work there, one of them is the big boss the Store director) I get along with everybody despite their race, its irrelevant to me. Anyway my coworker is obviously black and she said honestly your white talk to the store director he’ll understand you, we went over things that were done to me by the other managers and how unfairly i had been treated and i jotted them down (When i get emotional i tend to leave out details and i refused to keep these things in any longer) The next day at 7 am i was calling the store and asking the Director when i could come in to speak to him, he said anytime; I was on my way faster than he could say Bye.
I started off the conversation asking him if he was aware of my resignation and he said he had no idea (big deal considering he’s the guy who runs the whole store) so i proceeded to tell him reasons why i was resigning.
*one of the managers told me they didn’t need me.
*another one was gunning for me and saying i was dumb or stupid.
*the other one was determined to make this go as if it was a termination dammit!
The whole time i’m going into detail about these things my voice is practically broken, i’m finding it hard to articulate the words because of the anger and hurt i was feeling. He took notes and said he would take care of it, he also asked me if i was going to stay? I said no because i’m sure i would get treated differently, i didn’t want these 3 angry managers making my life miserable!
Fair enough wednesday came around and i went to work, managers didn’t say anything. The front end manager actually asked me to come in early, i said yes! money is money and anything extra helps. At one point the front end manager said she was no longer working at the store, i was shocked and i felt guilty like i had something to do with it (i know she has a family to take care of!) i was relieved to find out she just got sent to another store. As i was clocking out for lunch the Store director called me into the office and let me know she was out of the store and asked me to consider staying, call him back in 2 days to see if i’ve made my choice; he said he didn’t know who the new front end manager would be but they would try to work with my hours. If they are willing to work with my hours i will go back, simply because i owe my family almost 10,000 for my car and id like to get that paid off as soon as possible.
Best buy is awesome, i’ve been doing Learning things on the computer and such. The 3 girls i got hired with a pretty amazing, its like we are a little family 3 musketeers. I still haven’t fully opened up, i’m really horrible at making new friends and i’m not used to the attention i guess you can say. They asked me to go clubbing with them tomorrow or technically today, but i’m not the clubbing kind of person... Heck i don’t even know how to dance! but i told them id see.


Xoxo Julieth

lacking ideas in the title department.

"Boss #3 is such a Dbag! Kevin sent via sms.” The “boss” from my princess job can be a real asshole and today he decided to let it shine for a bit, idk wtf was wrong with him. I was on my phone before the puppet show, which we were and hour early for and there was 30 mins until show time; This asshole tells me you know you gotta stop that put it away. In my head all i could think of was excuse me? I NEVER TEXT ON THE DAMN JOB sorry i don’t give a shit about the stories you have to tell me because by now i’ve figured your full of crap and all you do is talk about events that are going to happen, yet they never do! You would think that because i have my eyes glued on the phone the whole car ride, that he’d get the hint that i am not interested in what he has to say... Besides it doesn’t help the fact that he treated my mom like shit the last time she had to work with him, my mom is so humble nobody messes with her! I am scary good at holding grudges, i NEVER forget.
So my friend invited me to a chinese buffet, her moms treat. I decided to be bold and try well just about everything that looked foreign except for that cold uncooked stuff i wasn’t willing to risk food poisoning.
Here’s how the caviar taste went...

I would give anything to go back and have video tapped the part where we tried sushi, it was truly a priceless moment; Lets just say sushi isn’t my thing no matter how hard i try to make it seem tasty. Maybe i just wanted to like sushi because of Mike, Oh well!
Lesson #2 Chinese buffets are Ridiculously overpriced! $15.85+tax per person WTF? you can feed a whole family for that price, but in comparison to other restaurants its relatively cheap. Then again food is food no matter where its bought and i could care less whether it was cooked in the kitchen at TATU or Pollo Tropical, The chefs are people no matter where they work at; Materialism is so over rated. What type of girl am i :o I really despise purses, they are so annoying to carry around. All i need is my phone with me, i wish i didn’t have to carry keys around LOL.
I watched this movie just now and i cant believe i already forgot the name, it must be because i’m turning 19 in like a month, OMG a month. Time sure is flying and you know what? Im sure not complaining, it just means i’m that much closer to what i want to be closer to sigh*
I found some old videos on my phone and i thought id upload them just because i’m deleting them off my phone and maybe id want to see them again some day.

This one is from the time i actually got to sit inside the strip club for like 2 hours, you can’t really see anything because your obviously not supposed to video tape in there. Afterwards the bouncer came and made us delete the videos, i turned my phone off instead claiming i never took a video...









I gotta work 11 to 6 tomorrow, Good night.

Xoxo Julieth.