The best thing i never had

I usually put the song that describes my mood at the end of my blog but this song is what inspired me to write... sorta at least.
I love music! it makes me feel like i’m not alone in this, like someone out there is or has felt what i’m feeling.
Lets see. Today i drove by Mikes house and his truck wasn’t there anymore it makes it more real to me, he is actually gone and he didn’t say goodbye. Oddly enough this song came on as i was passing by... id say i’m holding up pretty well, i haven’t shed a tear since my last blog where i was bawling, so over a week id say.
I can still remember his face very vividly but its slowly fading away, the one time when i wish i could forget easily.
Im so curious as to why he left without saying goodbye? i hope i can catch him on Skype eventually and have the chance to ask.
ill be heading to Ny in a week, i’m excited maybe this trip will take my mind off things.

and although theres pain in my chest, i still wish you the best with a... fuck you!

I’ve had the busiest week ever so i haven’t had time to think about Mike...

Monday through today i had induction for BestBuy mobile, i don’t even know where to start... It was amazing! i’ve never had the opportunity to meet people from other states and network. Let me tell you its amazing how you can form bonds in a week hopefully these bonds stay together as time goes by.
I met a guy who was discharged from the airforce (SC) Gave me advice on Mike accidentally.
A hair stylist (TN) Tough girl, i admired her strength.
An blasian "black and asian baby lol”(OH) So pretty and smart.
Saved the best for last a black army guy who’s bicurious(SC) This guy was an admirable character in my opinion; he attempted to teach me how to dance and i was blown away by his confidence in being himself.
Then i realized people from up north are so nice! and part of growing into an adult is hanging out with people in my age group and relating to their experiences.
The best part is i now have places to crash at when i wanna go visit other states so that rules! <= i cant believe i just typed that...
Goodbye is bitter sweet.
I think along with my new friends Mike was supposed to leave today. Contrary to what he said he never texted me or set up a day to say goodbye, so off with the wind he goes like nothing ever happened between us, it was just a lesson learned and something to be cautious about in the future.
When i asked the guy from the airforce what it meant if the guy was leaving and he said “He’s going to try to F*** you and then leave like nothing ever happened” mind you he had no idea what or who i was talking about, thats when the reality set in. He also told me it would make no sense to tell him what i feel because either way he’s going to leave, this isn’t a nicholas sparks book (unfortunately) a lot of guys are stupid that is all... No more tears, power to the female strength.
And who ever is out there googling my user name on okcupid, thank you lol

In tears...

In tears because the day I have to say goodbye to you is getting closer.
In tears because im scared to tell you how I feel.
In tears because im almost 100% positive you dont feel the same.
In tears because I put my hopes up and pictured the future instead of living in the present.
In tears because I wish you cared.
In tears because I let my pride get the best of me.
In tears because im probably the coolest girlfriend candidate but you'll never know.
In tears because im a girl who feels very strongly.
In tears because I am alone in this fight with myself.
In tears because this is the 2nd night im crying myself to sleep and that is not okay.
In tears because I let myself go so easily.
Lastly im in tears because I think I lost who I've been and im not sure how to find myself again. </3

Not so tough

No matter how strong I act, key word ACT; Im falling to pieces. If he only knew that when I fall asleep at night, hes the last person on my mind as I drift into deep sleep. My imagination has never been so vivid, a couple of days ago I saw him like he was passing right by me as he does at work. It scared me because i've never felt that way towards anyone before and maybe im over reacting but right now, right in this situation I feel like its okay to feel. He leaves friday, I still dont know how im going to manage to say goodbye. I wish time would just stop and stay still. </3 fmll (fuck my love life)

Goodbye innocence...

So there was this guy whom I met at work and felt very attracted to, he was different from the guys I’ve dated in the past and different from what I’ve been attracted to previously. Tall, very tall and muscular. I didn’t know how old he was but he had to be over 18 because that’s our hiring age, I later on learned that he was a college graduate and that meant he was at least 21, but I was afraid to ask his age; You see I have this thing about liking older people, it freaks me out to know someone is older than me.

Well we had dinner on May 31st at his apt, he cooked… then we kissed for a looong time. After that I got sick, and after a store meeting we went to his apt and he made me a smoothie and seeing how miserable I was he gave me some orange juice and vitamins hoping I would feel better…

Sigh* Breathe, just breathe.

On July 9^th at around 9 in the morning he tells me he’s moving back to Europe, my heart shattered into pieces but I still kept a straight face and asked him why? he said he would tell me later because he had to go. I ran to the bathroom and cried, the whole day my eyes would water at the thought of the situation. Before my shift ended I decided I would text him and ask him to meet up so we could “catch up” (aka wtf I want a fucking explanation but I’m going to play it cool”

At around 10 he texted me back and I was on my way to his apt. My heart and my mind were racing as I drove through the streets; I was determined to tell him how I felt about him, in case my actions weren’t clear enough. I arrive and awkwardly stand by the kitchen counter watching him cook, all I kept thinking was how in the world am I going to tell him that I liked him? I liked him since the very first time I saw him smile. He sat on one couch and I sat on the other one, I wasn’t sure if I should sit next to him so I played it safe, for some reason I cant remember we both went back to the kitchen and this time I sat down first, he sat next to me. So I asked him why he was leaving and he told me… I remembered his body language from the first time we hung out and he was flirting trying to get closer to me, he kissed me. Curse your manly ways weakening my determination, I gave in and kissed him back; at one point I pulled away and asked him why why why and I also said it wasn’t fair, he said …. And something about me going into the military anyway, I didn’t argue, just enjoyed the moment. Then he picked me up and took me to his room, I didn’t think anything of it because he did the same thing the first night and nothing happened… Lets just say it all went downhill from there. He “taught” me how to give a guy a hand job, I kept pulling my hand away! I kept telling him I didn’t know how to do anything, heck it might sound silly but I didn’t wanna look at “IT” he then asked for oral I said HELL NO, what do I look like a porn star? He said no… it’s a package kind of deal you cant just please a guy with your hand… so I asked so how do guys do it to themselves? He said they have years of practice, I couldn’t agree more. Then this turned into Sex, yes I was actually losing my virginity right there, to a guy I wasn’t in love with and in a way nothing like I had imagined it or planned it in my fairytale filled head… It hurt really bad, it burned and it felt like I was being stabbed in the stomach. I couldn’t wait until it was over but at the same time I wanted it to take its course that way I never had to experience that pain ever again! It ended, he asked me if I wanted to eat dinner but I was nauseous I felt like I was going to puke! He had to be up at 6 and it was almost 3. So I left and my heart started racing again, I couldn’t believe what I had done and I knew there was no turning back.. In the back of my mind there is the possibility of regret but I’m trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, I just don’t know what It is at the moment. I’m trying to brush it of and pretend I’m not attached or that I don’t feel like a piece of shit but the thoughts come and go; When I shower I close my eyes and wish I could wash this feeling away, but this is reality. I haven’t told any of my bestfriends because I feel ashamed, how do I go from being so strong willed to weak? Why did I let my hormones control the situation when I know that the hormones are momentary and the thoughts, my heart will always be there… These thoughts aren’t going to go away, its going to take some time for me to heal but it’s a working progress. I’m in too deep and there’s no swimming up, not after I hit rock bottom at least. The worst part is I’m curious about what a second time would feel like, dammit I’m gross! Fuck it no matter what I will tell him how I feel and just make the best of the one week he has left here! After its all over I can work on how to get over these repulsive feelings. Oh yeah and I haven’t seen him since we had sex, I don’t know how ill react when I see him. I’m afraid to face him. Tomorrow is the day though, I’m pretty sure ill see him tomorrow…

...

I had all the desire in the world to blog about my loss but then i lost the desire to write. dammit i haven’t really eaten all day and i don’t feel hungry wtf is wrong with me, oh you’ll see.

FUCK!

Almost no inspiration.

That is the count down to a count down, which holds the key to what could be the longest blog ill ever write but then again who know besides it’s 281 days away sigh*
Allowing the mind to be free and unoccupied is the worst thing for me, i should use my free time to study for the asvab or something; but yet there i was haphazardly thinking and blaming myself for things that are not within my jurisdiction to change. Lets move onto a blog now shall we...

I calculated my debt and how much i owe my family for my car and its a big whooping $9681.12 at this rate it will take me forever to pay them back! grr If this is what being in debt with my family, who isn’t asking me to pay them back yet or demanding payments feels like, i don’t want to know what real debt feels like! As a matter of fact as soon as i pay them back ill start saving up for a house, i know i’m only 18 (19 in 11 days -_-) but i rather be prepared for the future whenever that decides to happen.

I need to talk about my easter because it was something different no doubt, i spent it with my “Ghetto” friends. At first i was skeptical to go over my ex coworkers house i didn’t wanna feel awkward, but then i said screw it i rather not stay home doing absolutely nothing. So i went and i was the only white person, go figure but i get along with black people really well so that wasn’t a problem. Thank goodness for my cooking class and my all black table who taught me how to get along with my hood friends. I had some delicious jamaican food and saw soooooo many ghetto dances its not even funny, i was in awe, my mouth literally was wide open at the sight. I was a little bit jealous because i wished i could move like that, yeah it was pretty hilarious; Until they decided they were going to teach me, right there in front of everybody and they pulled me into the “dance floor” (I forgot how to dance, I’ve forgotten for a long time and it takes me a copious amount of time to be comfortable enough to let my childhood skills kick in) They were holding my waist and trying to move me, so i thought to myself what the hell! i wont feel accomplished unless i dance and so i did and they went crazy! just look at my coworkers face (the one in red, Heyyyyy i didn’t know white girl had it in her! Then there was the stripper pole, That was my first time on one of those ever! i was cracking up, boy do strippers make that stuff look easy! i was struggling to stay up as you can see from the looks of my face.
Then there was the video and my attempt at recreating something i saw at the strip club. Let me just say the next day my arms were extremely sore, as if i had done 100 pushups or something; What a good workout, no wonder strippers have such amazing bodies, no future in the industry for me LOL and im okay with that i wanna be a G.I Jane type of girl anyway, strong and independent. YEAH! 



I am so glad i didn’t stay home that night i had an awesome time with my friends, for some reason it made me think about the military and how whenever i decide to join i will be leaving everything behind for a little while; scary thought but i want it more than anything i’ve ever wanted other than wanting to be an actress but this is more realistic.
I wrote a lot more after this but i accidentally pasted something on top of it and it got deleted, so ill take that as a sign. I’ll rewrite it and post it tomorrow or eventually.


Xoxo Julieth