Damn planets all aligned or what?

My sign has got it going on right now, whatever planets represent guys in my atmosphere must have magically lined up or maybe its my new default?

 

Ha i wish my boobs were actually that big unfortunately for whoever its unfortunate for. You cant really have big boobs, flat abs and a big butt; unless your black that is or made of plastic. Darn it, the times when i wish i was as black as i can act. Those dreadful minutes on the treadmill are paying off or at least i’d like to think so, for the sake of staying motivated.
Anyway, who should i start with?

Oh yeah the ass hole who took my virginity and didn’t say goodbye lets give him the privilege of being first. 

Months after he left to Europe without saying goodbye he adds me on Facebook i couldn’t believe my eyes when i saw his friend request. I accepted it and i figured he would message me, part of me hoped he did and he did here is the conversation as of now:

• 

  Thursday

  
  

  • vato, i brought my lame fb account back. whats poppin in hllywood
• 

  Thursday

  
  

  • I see. The usual though work and
• 

  Thursday

  
  

  • Work, my dpt got madd hour cuts I get like 1 to 2 days a week now a days its pretty ridiculous.
    Hows it going over there?
• 

  Thursday

  
  

  • so so... i dont know.. might be leaving soon if it doesnt pick up...
• 

  Thursday

  
  

  • Damn its slow over there too!?
    is there a time difference or you just happened to be up at 6 am lol
• 

  Thursday

  
  

  • yea.. im 6 hours ahead.... duhh ha
• 

  Thursday

  
  

  • Damn vato dont gotta get all duhhh on me before I cyber whoop you ahh.
• 

  Thursday

  
  

  • ha. ima about 5000 miles east of florida tho vatooooo. i had to duh you a lil
• 

  Thursday

  
  

  • It’s all good ill just save them for one day and give them all to you at once; you have a lot of whooping lined up. I’ll get you once you make you “duh” worthy comment, its all good!
• 

  20 hours ago

  
  

  • ha. your weak ass vato. i hope youve been training.
• 

  17 hours ago

  
  

  • Unfortunately for you I have been working out, so im ready to whoop whop you. Most importantly though have You been training?
• 

  10 hours ago

  
  

  • oo yea. ima come back BIGGG
• 

  9 hours ago

  
  

  • big as in you had too much european food ? lol
    don’t matter cause either way im gonna be swoller than you.

Oh so good at pretending to be okay with his casual conversation. I wanna tell him off i really do but more than that, i wanna see his face when i ask why and that is the reason why i haven’t mentioned anything! On the bright side i now have a picture of him so when i’m having the talk with my kids (if i ever have kids) ill be able to show them who it was... creepy? eh i don’t care! 
Then theres the kid i used to have a HUGE crush on when i was in 10th grade but he had a gf now he’s single oh lala, but he’s kinda ghettoish boo! Id love to see him again for old times sake, its been like 4 years since i last saw him.
This cop i met a year ago messaged me talking about "call me” talk about awkward. I don’t know how to call a person, i much rather text. So after avoiding his message all day, i decided id reply with my phone number he can call ME, don’t be telling me what to do fool!
Don’t even get me started on my manager asking if i ever had a boyfriend, saying that i look like id have high standards. He caught me off guard, really off guard. It’s silly but i’ve been worrying about what that meant since then and until i find out why i look like i have high standards its going to eat at me. Its cool though because ill make sure i catch him off guard when i ask why? hope he feels just as shocked as i did.
OH MY GOD the cop just texted me kill me right now! or not i wanna see what he has to say.
i wonder how long i should wait to text back... maybe till i’m done writing this lovely blog. 
Damn its almost 3 am i am the biggest bum ever! what day is it today? 
Any guy who texts at this time is a booty call, not that i would know but movies are pretty educational right?
Shout out to my new follower Mike haha made my night!


Xoxo Julieth

The best thing i never had

I usually put the song that describes my mood at the end of my blog but this song is what inspired me to write... sorta at least.
I love music! it makes me feel like i’m not alone in this, like someone out there is or has felt what i’m feeling.
Lets see. Today i drove by Mikes house and his truck wasn’t there anymore it makes it more real to me, he is actually gone and he didn’t say goodbye. Oddly enough this song came on as i was passing by... id say i’m holding up pretty well, i haven’t shed a tear since my last blog where i was bawling, so over a week id say.
I can still remember his face very vividly but its slowly fading away, the one time when i wish i could forget easily.
Im so curious as to why he left without saying goodbye? i hope i can catch him on Skype eventually and have the chance to ask.
ill be heading to Ny in a week, i’m excited maybe this trip will take my mind off things.

and although theres pain in my chest, i still wish you the best with a... fuck you!

I’ve had the busiest week ever so i haven’t had time to think about Mike...

Monday through today i had induction for BestBuy mobile, i don’t even know where to start... It was amazing! i’ve never had the opportunity to meet people from other states and network. Let me tell you its amazing how you can form bonds in a week hopefully these bonds stay together as time goes by.
I met a guy who was discharged from the airforce (SC) Gave me advice on Mike accidentally.
A hair stylist (TN) Tough girl, i admired her strength.
An blasian "black and asian baby lol”(OH) So pretty and smart.
Saved the best for last a black army guy who’s bicurious(SC) This guy was an admirable character in my opinion; he attempted to teach me how to dance and i was blown away by his confidence in being himself.
Then i realized people from up north are so nice! and part of growing into an adult is hanging out with people in my age group and relating to their experiences.
The best part is i now have places to crash at when i wanna go visit other states so that rules! <= i cant believe i just typed that...
Goodbye is bitter sweet.
I think along with my new friends Mike was supposed to leave today. Contrary to what he said he never texted me or set up a day to say goodbye, so off with the wind he goes like nothing ever happened between us, it was just a lesson learned and something to be cautious about in the future.
When i asked the guy from the airforce what it meant if the guy was leaving and he said “He’s going to try to F*** you and then leave like nothing ever happened” mind you he had no idea what or who i was talking about, thats when the reality set in. He also told me it would make no sense to tell him what i feel because either way he’s going to leave, this isn’t a nicholas sparks book (unfortunately) a lot of guys are stupid that is all... No more tears, power to the female strength.
And who ever is out there googling my user name on okcupid, thank you lol

In tears...

In tears because the day I have to say goodbye to you is getting closer.
In tears because im scared to tell you how I feel.
In tears because im almost 100% positive you dont feel the same.
In tears because I put my hopes up and pictured the future instead of living in the present.
In tears because I wish you cared.
In tears because I let my pride get the best of me.
In tears because im probably the coolest girlfriend candidate but you'll never know.
In tears because im a girl who feels very strongly.
In tears because I am alone in this fight with myself.
In tears because this is the 2nd night im crying myself to sleep and that is not okay.
In tears because I let myself go so easily.
Lastly im in tears because I think I lost who I've been and im not sure how to find myself again. </3

Not so tough

No matter how strong I act, key word ACT; Im falling to pieces. If he only knew that when I fall asleep at night, hes the last person on my mind as I drift into deep sleep. My imagination has never been so vivid, a couple of days ago I saw him like he was passing right by me as he does at work. It scared me because i've never felt that way towards anyone before and maybe im over reacting but right now, right in this situation I feel like its okay to feel. He leaves friday, I still dont know how im going to manage to say goodbye. I wish time would just stop and stay still. </3 fmll (fuck my love life)

Goodbye innocence...

So there was this guy whom I met at work and felt very attracted to, he was different from the guys I’ve dated in the past and different from what I’ve been attracted to previously. Tall, very tall and muscular. I didn’t know how old he was but he had to be over 18 because that’s our hiring age, I later on learned that he was a college graduate and that meant he was at least 21, but I was afraid to ask his age; You see I have this thing about liking older people, it freaks me out to know someone is older than me.

Well we had dinner on May 31st at his apt, he cooked… then we kissed for a looong time. After that I got sick, and after a store meeting we went to his apt and he made me a smoothie and seeing how miserable I was he gave me some orange juice and vitamins hoping I would feel better…

Sigh* Breathe, just breathe.

On July 9^th at around 9 in the morning he tells me he’s moving back to Europe, my heart shattered into pieces but I still kept a straight face and asked him why? he said he would tell me later because he had to go. I ran to the bathroom and cried, the whole day my eyes would water at the thought of the situation. Before my shift ended I decided I would text him and ask him to meet up so we could “catch up” (aka wtf I want a fucking explanation but I’m going to play it cool”

At around 10 he texted me back and I was on my way to his apt. My heart and my mind were racing as I drove through the streets; I was determined to tell him how I felt about him, in case my actions weren’t clear enough. I arrive and awkwardly stand by the kitchen counter watching him cook, all I kept thinking was how in the world am I going to tell him that I liked him? I liked him since the very first time I saw him smile. He sat on one couch and I sat on the other one, I wasn’t sure if I should sit next to him so I played it safe, for some reason I cant remember we both went back to the kitchen and this time I sat down first, he sat next to me. So I asked him why he was leaving and he told me… I remembered his body language from the first time we hung out and he was flirting trying to get closer to me, he kissed me. Curse your manly ways weakening my determination, I gave in and kissed him back; at one point I pulled away and asked him why why why and I also said it wasn’t fair, he said …. And something about me going into the military anyway, I didn’t argue, just enjoyed the moment. Then he picked me up and took me to his room, I didn’t think anything of it because he did the same thing the first night and nothing happened… Lets just say it all went downhill from there. He “taught” me how to give a guy a hand job, I kept pulling my hand away! I kept telling him I didn’t know how to do anything, heck it might sound silly but I didn’t wanna look at “IT” he then asked for oral I said HELL NO, what do I look like a porn star? He said no… it’s a package kind of deal you cant just please a guy with your hand… so I asked so how do guys do it to themselves? He said they have years of practice, I couldn’t agree more. Then this turned into Sex, yes I was actually losing my virginity right there, to a guy I wasn’t in love with and in a way nothing like I had imagined it or planned it in my fairytale filled head… It hurt really bad, it burned and it felt like I was being stabbed in the stomach. I couldn’t wait until it was over but at the same time I wanted it to take its course that way I never had to experience that pain ever again! It ended, he asked me if I wanted to eat dinner but I was nauseous I felt like I was going to puke! He had to be up at 6 and it was almost 3. So I left and my heart started racing again, I couldn’t believe what I had done and I knew there was no turning back.. In the back of my mind there is the possibility of regret but I’m trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, I just don’t know what It is at the moment. I’m trying to brush it of and pretend I’m not attached or that I don’t feel like a piece of shit but the thoughts come and go; When I shower I close my eyes and wish I could wash this feeling away, but this is reality. I haven’t told any of my bestfriends because I feel ashamed, how do I go from being so strong willed to weak? Why did I let my hormones control the situation when I know that the hormones are momentary and the thoughts, my heart will always be there… These thoughts aren’t going to go away, its going to take some time for me to heal but it’s a working progress. I’m in too deep and there’s no swimming up, not after I hit rock bottom at least. The worst part is I’m curious about what a second time would feel like, dammit I’m gross! Fuck it no matter what I will tell him how I feel and just make the best of the one week he has left here! After its all over I can work on how to get over these repulsive feelings. Oh yeah and I haven’t seen him since we had sex, I don’t know how ill react when I see him. I’m afraid to face him. Tomorrow is the day though, I’m pretty sure ill see him tomorrow…

...

I had all the desire in the world to blog about my loss but then i lost the desire to write. dammit i haven’t really eaten all day and i don’t feel hungry wtf is wrong with me, oh you’ll see.

FUCK!